It started on the East Coast. Cases popped up
from New York to Washington D.C. It spread like wildfire in ever increasing waves.
The CDC had no explanation for the disease or its possible contamination
vector. No explanation, no diagnosis and no method to fight it even though the
symptoms were clear – the blue blood, the obsessive desire to speak in public, the
need to take from the poor and give to the rich, and a strange fascination for
guns and tea parties. The American Psychological Association rushed to update
the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual to include Borderline Patriotic
So tell me when was it you started
having these visions of riding a rainbow?
A light beam! A light beam! Are you even
listening to what I’m saying?
Okay, okay a light beam. So tell me when
did you first start having this delusion?
Oh Jesus and Mary, I’ve told you it’s
not a delusion, it’s a thought experiment. I envision myself traveling at the
speed of light – essentially riding a light beam – and look around and see what
You mean like you think you are a light
beam. Would you say that’s a little unusual. Most people dream of flying or
being a sex star, not flying through the empty darkness of outer space.
Space is only part of it, time is the
So you feel out of time as well.
No, no, no. Please listen to what I’m
saying. I thought that was your job here, I thought that’s what you do. I
suppose next you are going to ask me about my wandering uterus. Now listen,
since I was a little boy I’ve imagined flying on a beam of light and trying to
understand what the world, the universe would look like if I did.
So was this beam of light
Oh Lord have mercy. No, just a beam of
light, no rainbows, no penises, no Oedipus complex. Just physics. If I fly
through the universe at the speed of light I will not grow old as fast as those
I left behind, this is one result. It’s about the shrinkage.
Yes, shrinkage of space, dilation of the
universe. Thrusting through and everything being relative.
Do you love your relatives as well? Do
they fly with you?
No, how many times must I tell you, it’s
just me on a light beam.
Ah, I see, self-pleasure. Hmmmm and look
at that. My how time flies. I guess ours is up we’ll pick up there next week.